Plunging faster and faster, darkness was caving in on me, drowning me in sadness, when I hit rock bottom that's when I understood--emptiness.
***
It was the year of 1994, and I was four years old. I was the age of innocence, where everything to me seemed right. I watched cartoons, played dress up, I loved to learn new things, but most of all I adored being around my grandpa.
He had thinning hair and was tall compaired me, but he was also my best friend. Our favorite activity was to play with a frog puppet in the childrens room of his and my granma's house. But little did I know my innocent four-year-old life would rapidly change its course.
Soon I was visiting my grandpa in the hospital. Glancing around, I noticed the pale walls mirrored the skin of the sick. The patter of my feet echoed down the dreary halls.
"Shauna," my mother spoke to me. "Before you go in and see grandpa, I want you to know he's very sick. He has cancer, so you can't run right up to him."
I nodded in agreement, although I was confused. Arriving at his room, we pushed open the door and stepped inside.
*beep* *beep* A monitor flashed waves and movements. A clear bag containing liquid flowed through a tube leading to my granpa.
"Grandpa why are you all tied up?!" I broadcasted.
My whole family then burst into laughter along with people in the waiting room just outside the door. In that instant there was a sparkle of happiness amongst the bleak and dark contained within the walls of the hospital. Even though there was a moment of joy, I still felt and saw the horror that was before me.
Slowly a strange foreign feeling began to drip inside of me flowing through my veins and straight to my heart. The feeling was of pain, but not the kind when one falls down and scrapes there knee. This new sensation left me feeling confused--I didn't understand.
When I finally made the connection to my alien feeling--It was too late.
***
"Merry Christmas!" Cries of happiness and laughter filled my neighborhood. Aluminating colors reflected from my neighborhoods windows and danced their way into my hazel eyes. I peered out from my living room window in wonder. My house didn't share the same cheer as others.
"Merry Christmas, Shauna and Sabra," my mother said, giving us each a peck on the cheek. She gave us both our presents.
Everything seemed normal, but deep down I knew it wasn't. Like my unopened present, my feelings were unopened too. They both remaind trapped by it's container. My grandpa passed away that christmas, but it was months after, when I finally understood the feeling within me.
After the tragic christmas of '94, I became overwhelmed. Bleakness continued to devour me leaving me with the understanding of emptiness.
Alone I played with the puppet frog at my grandma's house. Hesitantly I picked out books and dragged them to the soft tan carpet, where the puppet frog rested upon. It's beady eyes beamed up at me. A slow smile crept it's way across my face--I felt safe. This lifeless puppet was my strongest memory of my grandpa.
***
One year later
Wind blew at my face and playfully batted at my long blonde hair. Walking to my neighbors house, I notcied birds flying freely amongst the shimmering blue sky. Their glossy wings sparkled while they cast a shadow upon the soft brown earth.
The pain I felt a year ago serged through me once again but this time I understood.
"Hi Katie!" my high pitched voice called out to her.
"Hello Shauna," she said, her blue eyes focused on the ground.
"Katie..." I spoke softer. "I'm really sorry about your loss."
"It's okay."
Noticing the gloom in her face, I wanted her to know she wasn't alone.
"I lost my grandpa too, last year."
"Really?!?!" "...oh"
"But I wanted to say I'm really sorry about everything."
"Thanks Shauna," she smiled in relief.
"Well I'll see you later."
"Bye."
"Bye Katie."
Walking home I felt better, I made my friend smile, somthing I couldn't do in my darkness.
I walked away with a realization that even in the darkest of times, it's okay to let the light shine.
No comments:
Post a Comment